Treading Soup1/30/2018 January has been a rather rough month. I had to face my thirtieth year, and I'm not going to lie but I cried--a lot. Like, big, ugly, monster tears poured out of my face as I came to terms with the third decade of my life in which I feel like I've accomplished nothing. I have all sorts of excuses, too, for things that I've had a hard time committing to, or letting myself excel at: "I was distracted by my ugly break-up," "I felt like I really needed to reconnect with people I've lost contact with," "I didn't want the responsibilities of the Manager position," "I'd hit the limit at that job anyway," "Who knows if I ever want to have kinds anyways." My thirty-year breakdown was even worse than my "quarter-life crisis," which was the first time I'd ever really thought about where my life was going and what I had to show for my twenty-five years on this earth. I had finished an Associate Arts Degree a couple of years prior and was stuck in a retail job that utilized none of what I had learned during my degree. Speaking of my Degree, I couldn't even decide on a direction to go with it, so I graduated with a General Studies Associate of Arts Degree. I ended up sinking four years of my life into my retail job at the mall, which I was actually really good at, but I sabotaged it like almost everything else in my life by this time.
Once I lost the mall job, (a story for another time) I was lost. I had missed the deadline to apply for financing from my First Nation Band so I could go back to school again. For the next year, I wandered aimlessly from job to job, struggling to keep myself afloat. I can't even say I was dangerously treading water, because treading water would have been much easier than what I was going through. I was treading soup. Thick, creamy soup. I spent a few weeks working at Color Me Mine before I took a job at a stable (do not ask me why I thought that was a good idea) that turned out to be a huge mistake and only lasted a couple of weeks before I split. My mom ended up employing me for most of that year as her Artist Assistant. I also went back to working the salad line at Rose's Waterfront Pub, which was fun and freeing at first before the atmosphere turned toxic and I decided not to go back after that summer. It was really discouraging that I couldn't find a decent job. I thought I had developed some great skills and couldn't understand why nobody would hire me. I finally realized that I was self sabotaging once again. My self-esteem had taken a big hit and my boyfriend was laying on the pressure for me to find a job and make money to contribute to our lives. I'd even heard from our co-workers that he'd said "She'd better take the fucking shifts." when the opportunity for more hours at the pub had come available. It was not good for my already waning self-esteem. Now, here I am again. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm trying to excel in my studies, navigate the new direction my relationship is headed, be there for my mom and develop my artistic skills through her connections and opportunities, while continuing to struggle to "find myself" and what I'm really good at. I feel like I have found a passion for design, but I am having THE HARDEST time getting and staying motivated. I enjoy creating digital art, and designing websites and books, but I feel the self-sabotage seeping in around me. I'm procrastinating my assignments until the last minute, I've procrastinated sending in my portfolio submission to UBCO, and I've even let my gym routine fall to the wayside. How is it so hard to be an adult? Why did I ever think that being an adult would make life easier than being a teenager? How do these people I went to school with, who didn't even bother to graduate, seem like they have it all together? Why am I falling so far behind even though I've now gone to college twice? Will I ever crawl out of this crater of self-doubt and sabotage? For now, I guess I'll just keep on treading. My head is still above the surface and I won't give up. I'm going to go binge-make my portfolio submission and then just wait to see if I can even get into Media Studies despite my lack of Math prerequisites (due to my lack of striving for success in high school, thinking that it would just magically work itself out). If anyone reading this is still in high school, take it from me. Your education IS important, highschool is NOT lame OR pointless, and coming from someone who slacked and skipped for three years, take advantage of the FREE opportunity you have to get a good start in life. Take it seriously because it is SO much harder to do later in life when you should be enjoying the perks of adulthood. Stay tuned for updates as I try to get my life together and find what I'm truly passionate about, the thing that I don't want to sabotage or make excuses for. -R
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